Dan Stringer

navigating the convergence of faith, culture and the common good

Grief journal (10 months)

September 20, 2011

[Insert profound grief quote here. Translation: Nothing impressed me this month.]

If grieving were easy, it wouldn’t be grief. But if it’s supposed to be a rotten experience, then I guess we’re right on track. I feel a self-absorbed rant coming on, but those are so unoriginal these days.

What’s the payoff for this blog-my-grief-once-a-month ritual? Answer: Not much when there’s so little to say. Numerous pastimes are more enjoyable than probing my emotions and memories for the words to describe what losing Vincent means to me. Sitting in traffic or paying bills, for instance. At least those activities don’t involve a futile search for words that don’t exist.

And that’s exactly the trouble with grief—the words. You can’t make it with ’em or without ’em. The only thing worse than suffering in silent, unspoken grief is trying to manufacture phrases and sentences that will do it justice. Pick your poison. It’s not that I regret the time I’ve spent journaling, processing, counseling, praying and support grouping through grief. But those activities can become painfully wordy after a while. There’s too much pressure to summarize, theorize, draw conclusions and resolve the tension. Maybe that’s why I can barely blog about this once a month, yet still find myself attempting it often enough to document the difficulty.

There’s only so much to say, and I’ve already said plenty. I don’t want more words, just more Vincent. He was super.

  • Linda Holmes

    I deeply appreciate your monthly grief journal, but am also deeply sad that there is a reason to write it. The words you write may not lesson your pain, but they have helped me face mine. I’ve been wordless over losing Vincent and you’ve put words to my grief. I love that boy so much. Whether its ten months or ten years, the time just increases my desire to see him again. And everyday I know I’m actually one day closer.

  • What a precious little guy! I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. The effort, as difficult as it may be, does not go unnoticed.

  • Jana

    Wordlessly grieving with you…..like you said, sometimes the words are there and sometimes not, but the feelings and memories and missing Vincent are still there either way.

  • Mom

    I’ve been thinking a lot about Vinny these days. I’m so happy he got to play w/ the dolphins @ the Kahala Mandarin, go to Alii beach where we got all those nice pictures, and take that one last walk w/ Cheryl and me up the Mililani Mauka ravine trail the day she left. The hole in our hearts will always be there. The Heaven Is For Real book helped me a lot.

  • Thanks y’all for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I value them.

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